The body keeps the score alright - for me it’s my belly, specifically on the left side just below my belly button. Deep trauma that gets triggered when I eat the wrong foods (or too much), when I stretch, when I work out my core and when I’m having body dysmorphia issues.
Read MoreThere are certain activities that get me going. Certain situations, objects, places, and parts that really take sex to the next level. Don’t get me wrong, vanilla ice-cream is tasty, but sometimes I need to add some sprinkles and hot fudge sauce to enjoy my banana split sundae…
Read MoreThere is a direct connection between my mental state and arousal. When triggered, I go one of two ways; meltdown or hyper sexuality…
Read MoreI recently posted a meme about neurodivergent people struggling with eye contact, as well as a second post about how a diagnosis is akin to learning that you’re playing the game on hard mode; it doesn’t reduce the difficulty, but it lets you strategize.
This prompted a few of my followers to ask about my diagnosis: Am I neurodivergent? So, I figured I would clarify here.
The short answer is ‘no, but…’
Basically, I have a collection of symptoms that present primarily as anxiety derived from complex post-traumatic stress disorder (c-PTSD)…
Read More“Hey Siri, play Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park.”
I loved that album. Perfectly mixing the clash of drums, distorted guitars, and iconic new metal disc scratching, all overlayed with a vocal combination of rap, rock, and a touch of screamo. But the lyrics, they were something else entirely. It felt like they were pulled straight from my mind. Perfectly expressing the confusing feelings of rage, fear, dissociation, suicidal ideation and anger I felt. Anger I directed at myself and the anger I directed at the world.
Read MoreIt is amazing how much I don’t know about basic human functioning. Sure, I taught myself how to survive, but every time something new comes up, I freak out and break down. I have no basis upon which to draw from, just a gaping hole where a loving and caring childhood should have been….
Read MoreTo be clear, mindfulness is not the act of meditating. It is the state that arises from our meditation practice. Therefore, mindfulness is not dependent on the use of the breath as a meditation object. Anything can be used: sounds, sights, physical sensations, thoughts, and even awareness itself. In fact, if we want to integrate the benefits into our everyday life, it is vital that we explore mindfulness across a broad spectrum of meditation objects. That way, we will have the tools of mindfulness readily available to employ, wherever and whenever we need them. What is the point of our practice if the benefits do not transcend the meditation mat?
Read MoreWhy writing a web comic is harder than writing about trauma
I write down what was discussed, and any advice given. I do not want to leave the session and forget what was covered. I am paying for it after all, with my time, money, and mental state…
Read MoreA quick review of our past reveals many moments of joy and positivity; times when things just worked. When a failure came, it did not break us. We picked ourselves back up, learnt a lesson, and pushed forward. Similarly, we can look back and see expanses of misery and suffering. Times where we were down and out, at rock bottom and struggling. There were occasional wins, yet these barely succeeded in moving the needle.
Read MoreSome I know of and actively avoid. Others blindside me. Some are specific, only occurring around a particular person or situation. Others are global and will without fail impact me anywhere and everywhere.
It can be a look, a smell, a touch. Anything.
Read MoreSomewhere along the line I lost contact with myself. Trauma froze me in time. This made me withdraw from people.
Connection now scares me.
Being thus frozen, my way of looking at the world, from a relationship perspective also froze. At the time of the freeze I was young. At that age, socialising is often facilitated by the adults for the child, it’s rarely done directly.
Read MoreI want to clarify some common misconceptions that seem to pervade around the topic of self-harm. If I have missed anything, please let me know.
1) Not everyone who self-harms is suicidal
Whilst there is a definite relationship between self-harm, depression and suicidal ideation, they are not always correlated. One does not have to be suicidal to self-harm, and not all people who are feeling suicidal will self-harm…
Throughout my childhood I would always see things through other people’s eyes. Not in the empathic sense, but in the seemingly literal sense. I would never be truly in my own mind, rather I would 'see myself' from a third person perspective. This was true for most of my memories, dreams, and imaginations. It would even somehow occur in real time. For example, when walking down the street to the local shop, I would not see the goings on from my own perspective. Logically, I would be using my own eyes to navigate and avoid obstacles and the like, but internally, my perception of reality would somehow be simultaneously presented to me from an outside perspective.
It was as if I was constantly observing my life through a television set, watching the characters interact, seeing them move and hearing them talk. Just like when you are watching television, there is little emotional investment in the outcome. You know that it is all just an act and that everyone involved is just pretending. So what if the main character dies, this show is not real. So what if his brother is being bullied, this show is not real. It does not matter that somebody is doing drugs in front of their five-year-old child, this show is not real.
Read More"It was like releasing water through a dam. It felt like if I didn’t cut, that my mind would crack, with devastating results ..."
Read MoreJust less than a year ago, I experienced an assault that dramatically changed who I was and how my brain functioned. It has been a slow decline down through depression, anxiety and isolation. The end game with that assault was too domination and control me.
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