Am I Hitting Rock Bottom?
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Rock bottom implies a hard abrupt end. A clear definable point at which things can’t get worse.
I realise I’ve been waiting for such a point, waiting for a clear moment where I can say, ‘ah ha! This is it, this is the lowest point of the dark night of my soul.’
But now I realise that the analogy of rock bottom is faulty.
What if instead of rock bottom , we actually hit a ‘swamp bottom’; a kind of existential sludge, in which you slowly drown. A place in which those beautiful glorious sporadic gasps of air feel like safety. A place where the rare rays of sunlight that manage to hit your face feel like mana from heaven.
The swamp is an insidious place filled with vermin capable of poisoning your very soul. It is filled with pitfalls and traps and quicksand, that will pull you down and keep you there. Snaring you with triggers, faulty cognitions, ruminations, and addictions.
This is a swamp of the mind, of the body, and of the soul. One without a solid bottom, one without something firm to push back against, one without a clear “end”.
I’ve been waiting to hit rock bottom , waiting and fearing that I will lose it all before I can manage to ‘bounce back’ and recover, perhaps subconsciously needing my story to be one of redemption from obliteration. One that has a clearly defined low point from which to rise.
But what if I reframe my suffering as hitting a swamp bottom, and slowly but surely pull myself out of the sludge?
What if I take note of where I am, become aware of my surroundings, and move slowly, carefully, and mindfully, to safe ground?
What if I share lessons learnt with the world, so that other people may also avoid their swamp?
I realise, the dark night of my soul never was a night, but rather the darkness was caused by the thick abyss of the swamp’s clutches.
But now that I see what I am facing, now that I see what I need to begin escaping, I can take the actions needed to survive.
And then?
Well then I can thrive.
Read more:
Exposing Inner Demons – An Uncut Example Of Writing Therapy
Uncomfortably Numb: I Need Medication But It Doesn’t Work
You can read more about my journey to swamp bottom and back in my book, Poetry from a Dark Night of the Soul.
