I Cannot Pretend

Poetry on the intersection between neurodivergence and trauma

All my life I have felt the need to mask. The need to act to fit in. The need to be ‘on’. 

Yes, a possible trait of neurodivergence, but certainly enhanced by a traumatic environment, full of erratic and dangerous adults with zero care or understanding of the needs of the child in their presence.

What does such an environment do to the growing mind? This isn’t a theoretical question, but a reality in living. I don’t know what normal is.

Why? I didn’t experience ‘normal’. Yes normal is a construct, yes we all have issues, but some of our experiences significantly deviate from the average of society.

Thus, I am left with anxiety over how to act (to be safe and to fit in). I am left with triggers. I am left without guidance from a father who died early, and stopped caring earlier still.

The result for me is a lifetime of friction and confusion.

Is it neurodivergence? Perhaps. But those symptoms are certainly enhanced by a childhood I’m still recovering from.

These two poems are part of my attempt to process and express the inner mess:

-

i find myself sitting
on the surface of my soul
afraid 
of what lies beneath
the haphazardly constructed mirror
i present to the world

-

i don’t dance
i live 
like someone is watching
like everyone is watching
so concerned
i’ll be judged
that I never allow myself 
to simply let go
and just…
be

---

This piece inspired by Augmented Realities: Human Poetry x A.I. Art, Out now: eBook, paperback, and audio.