I Cannot Pretend
/poems about the intersection between neurodivergence and trauma…
Read Morepoems about the intersection between neurodivergence and trauma…
Read MoreI want you
To notice me.
Not for what I have done.
Not for the money I’ve made.
Not even for my art.
No.
I want you to notice me.
Me…
Read Moresomething innocuous
i’m triggered again
i know
it’s not your fault
despite how it feels
there’s nothing to be done
but leave…
i drift
away from you
and
from the parts of me
that know i am drifting
only later
do i see
my wake…
What’s the point of trying,
When my efforts leave me crying?
When my thoughts circle dying?
When I think everyone is lying?
What’s the point of trying,
If my bravest act is complying?
If it’s the deepest truths I’m denying?
If even greatness is unsatisfying?…
Sure we seem normal from the outside,
But look closer and you will see,
The crevasses and cracks appearing,
In this happy family…
Memories compress,
In the recess of the mind.
Thoughts confined,
By the passing of time.
A shine dedicated
To a past divine.
The horrors expressed
So totally mine…
Why does it feel like I’m all alone?
Like my house isn’t my home,
Like I’m running from the unknown?
Why does it feel like it shouldn’t be this way?
Like my nerves are on display,
Like I’m living as prey?
The inner storm meets outer calm.
A silent fury.
Impotent rage not expressed.
Other than here,
Other than now…
I use poetry as a form of writing therapy. This poem highlights how I was feeling in the moment about myself, the world and my place in it.
I was feeling significantly depressed, with thoughts of past trauma and feelings of low self worth mingling with the façade that I sometimes feel forced to adopt to fit in.
Read MoreI was trying to represent both the suffering that we feel in response to trauma/triggers/BPD, combined with the seemingly selfish way we can at times take it out on those closest to us.
The ‘I’ in this story, even while repentant/sorrowful is still focused on it-self.
Yes there is suffering, but that suffering isn’t a justification to take it out on the innocent people that love us.
I also wanted to highlight the absolute overwhelm of emotions that trauma can cause. The spiral into darkness and the inevitable relationship breakdowns that result from such outbursts.
It takes a patient and empathetic person to tolerate that.
Who am I other than constant change?
Thoughts come and go,
Same with emotion, memory and desire,
I am not who I was a moment ago,
And who I am won’t last.
I am constant change,
I am the thread of time,
Birth to death,
Ever changing,
Ever growing,
Never the same…
There’s nowhere you can run to,
Nowhere you can hide,
Not when your problems
Are coming from inside.
You cannot escape them,
You cannot leave,
Now that blood is
Running down your sleeve…
I use poetry as a form of therapy. This piece came as a response to the collective trauma that we are all currently navigating our way through.
My goal was to combine my inner feelings with those I am seeing from others. I also wanted to tell a story with this particular rhyming structure.
Read MoreI see myself, and I see myself seeing myself;
Trapped in an infinite regress.
Triggered.
I don’t know what I am,
Other than, that I am the ‘other’.
Separated.
I sit in the eye of the storm,
Enjoying the false calm…
This is shadow work with a twist.
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