Using Brutal Honesty To Align Your Actions With Your Purpose

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Live Honestly
- Ch: 5.1 of How To Get Your Sh!t Together -

“Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living and truth loving.” – James E Faust

Unless you are completely honest with yourself, your actions will be out of line with your true purpose. By ‘true purpose’ I am not referring to anything religious or spiritual. I am referring to what you as an individual, given your unique set of genetics and environmental influences, is best set up to do.

If you can align your lifestyle, words, actions and pursuits with your true purpose, a deep sense of meaning will follow.

This sense of meaning goes well beyond mere happiness. The problem with pursuing happiness as a goal is that it is fleeting, and dependent on continued success. If something goes wrong, which it inevitably will, happiness disappears. Even if everything goes right, happiness never lasts.

Although it will feel amazing to accomplish a goal, the happiness that accompanies it will quickly disappear, waiting to return when the next goal is achieved. Living an honest life will provide you with a sense of meaning. This will be your reason for existing, or ‘the point of it all’.

For the most of my life, from childhood all the way into early adulthood, I was in survival mode. Life was challenging, and thoughts of ‘finding a deeper purpose’ or ‘finding meaning’ took second place to ensuring that I had food on the table and a safe place to sleep. However over time, I was able to find some peace and personal security. This enabled me to take a breath, step back from my life and look it as a whole.

This lead to questioning the meaning of my life. What was I doing all this for? What was the point of mere survival? Where was I heading and why does it even matter?

I realised that up until that point, I hadn’t made many choices for me. I had either acted based on survival, or based on the perceived (or voiced) expectations of those around me.

The realisation that I wasn’t really living a life of my own choosing was quite distressing. I felt like I had wasted my youth, or more precisely, had my youth taken from me. This burgeoning existential crisis deepened when I realised that I didn’t really have a good sense of who I was as a person. Running for so long caused me to push aside much of the deeper components of my psyche, the parts that were not immediately functional. What are my likes and dislikes? What drives me? What do I truly fear? Who am I?

This line of questioning sent me down the long (and continuous) process of self-discovery. I quickly realised that ‘Living Honestly’ was the key to beginning to unlock the answers to my questions. This is because living honestly involves the two interconnected components: that of self-discovery and taking action to make change.

The closer aligned your life is with your purpose, the deeper sense of meaning you will feel.

This is of course a continual process, something to strive towards and never really achieve. But the pursuit truly is worth it.

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What Makes You ‘You’?

From the moment you were born you were shaped by your environment. Your parents, schooling, religion (or lack of), social status, country, culture and time of birth all pulled you in one direction or another. Change any one variable and you would be a different person to the one you are now. Your motives, desires and even thinking patterns may be completely unrecognisable.

Most of what makes you, ‘you’, is determined by things that are completely out of your control. At the time that you find yourself reading these words, you will have already made a myriad of decisions based solely on the situation that you find yourself in. You may not have really wanted to choose a particular course, but rather felt compelled to by the weight of your environment.

How many people have chosen a particular career, partner, lifestyle or pursuit based on the perceived expectations of their society?

Just consider how different your motives would be if you were born in a different time and place, educated with a different philosophy or indoctrinated into a different religious system. Do you think your values would be different? Do you think that your goals, aspiration and choices would be the same? True, some things will remain constant, but given the massive diversity within humanity, it is clear that environment dictates which genetic traits are favored.

This isn’t to say that you have no choice in the matter. You are not a mere robot, forced into a particular role based on whatever combination of genes you have that are influenced by the particular environment you were born into. You are something more than that. You have free will, the freedom to choose.

Look inside, find who you are and make the choice to move towards living honestly – whatever an honest life means for you.

“Man know thyself; then thou shalt know the Universe and God” – Pythagoras

Attempting to live honestly also has direct benefits. The following TAKE ACTION will provide you with some questions that will inspire you to perform to the best of your ability in all areas. If used correctly, these questions will work as a quick way to detach, re-evaluate and take more desirable actions.

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TAKE ACTION

When the situation arises, ask yourself the following questions:
- Did I really need to sleep in, or was I just being lazy this morning?
- At the gym, did I go as hard as I could? Or was I coasting, going easy or spending too much time on social media between sets?
- When studying, did I give it my all, or did I get distracted online? Did I stop early? Was I focused?
- Did I track everything I ate, or did I instead omit some guilty pleasures?
- Have I put in my best effort on my creative projects, or did I settle for near enough when it got challenging?
- When that person was rude to me, did I address the problem or just pretend like it didn’t happen at all?
- When looking on areas to improve, am I truly looking, or simply going through the motions?
- When retelling a story of my past, am I telling it honestly? Or do I embellish my role to make it more interesting?
- Could I have been the cause of the argument, not the other person? If I realised this, did I take action to rectify the situation?
- Am I being too hard on myself? Do I need to take more time for ‘self-care’?
- Have I tried to re-establish relationships with my family? Am I expecting other people to do things that I am incapable or unwilling to do myself?

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Although these questions could be quite confronting, asking yourself these questions is an excellent way of determining if you are living honestly.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. This is a continual process, one to be undertaken over your lifespan. If you don’t like your responses, it is a sign that you need to start making some change!

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Be Honest With Yourself

Self-improvement requires consistency and dedication to stay on the path, but also honesty. The ‘long hard look at yourself in the mirror’ kind of honesty. This kind of honesty ensures that you are doing your best to not fool yourself.

When I first started really committing to self-improvement, I was not truly honest with myself. I would do many of the same activities that I do now, but with significantly less commitment, drive and dedication.

I would still exercise, but these sessions would be less frequent. More importantly I did not push myself. I would leave the sessions telling myself it was a good session, but in reality I wasn’t really exercising to my optimum level. I was afraid of hard work, afraid of putting in the effort and afraid of failure.

To protect my ego, I wouldn’t train as hard. This wasn’t a conscious decision, rather it was a weak mindset that was clouding my view. I believed that I was putting in the work, but I simply was not. This lackluster performance showed in my results. I had some gains, but they were nothing to be excited about.

Fast forward to today. Now I enter the gym with a goal in mind. I determine the time that I have available to me, how my body is actually feeling and what I need to work on. Then, from the moment I begin, I am pushing myself hard until the time is up. Once complete, I review the session to consider any possible improvements that could be made.

This honesty and self-evaluation has resulted a highly personalised training session, both in terms of exercises performed, weight to reps to set ratios as well as the best approach to keeping me focused and on task. In terms of results, I am becoming increasingly happier with both my looks, strength and immunity to injuries. The best part of all is that I am significantly more efficient with my gym time.

Being honest with myself has resulted in massive improvements in all areas of my life. Primarily because I am seeking the truth rather than trying to trick myself.

Results don’t lie. There is a reason that it turned out that way. An honest look will help to determine that reason.

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TAKE ACTION

Whenever you get a result that you don’t like, use that as a trigger to take an honest look at your performance, ability and mindset in relation to that task. This could be for anything, including:

- Bad test performances
- Loosing in a competition
- Being rejected by a love interest
- Failure to lose weight or reach ideal body composition
- Lower than expected sales
- Poor savings or investment return
- Arguments with friends, family or spouse
- Project failure

The key here is to look for how you were (partly) responsible for the failure. You can only change your own behavior, so by putting the blame on yourself, you can impact some real change.

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For example, if you were passed over for a promotion, resist the urge to blame your boss’ favoritism or ineptitude, or the co-worker for throwing you under the bus. Rather, look to your own performance, both in relation to the job, your ability to play politics, and your general work attitude. While others will be of course responsible, an honest look at your role will reveal how you could act differently moving forward.

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Being Honest With Others

One of the most crippling aspects of anxiety, for me at least, was the fear of saying the wrong thing, being misinterpreted or judged to be a ‘bad person’. Nothing can stop judgement of course. No matter what you or I do, we will be judged for it.

All that can really be done is changing how you behave and how you feel about the judgement itself.

If I strive to live as honestly as possible, then I know I was doing my best at any given time, any social anxiety that arises after the fact will be reduced. The anxiety that makes us relive conversations, questions tone, perceived sarcasm, extent of humor, friendliness versus hostility can be, for the most part, silenced.

By being honest, I am ensuring that I am not playing games with people, that I am speaking my mind, sharing my thoughts, and clarifying things when needed. I take the steps ensure that I am not taken too far out of my comfort zone, both in terms of the social activity or types of conversations. Basically, I aim to ensure that I know myself and that I am not altering myself to fit the social situation.

If something happens that may force me to act differently, play social games or do something I am not comfortable with, I leave. Therefore, regardless of what my anxiety is telling me about the current (or prior) social interactions, I know that I acted in the best way that I could have at the time. If I know that I acted honestly and morally then I can be assured that I did on that occasion as well. Thus, the anxiety loses some of its power over me.

Of course this does not stop me from making a fool of myself, of committing social a faux pa, or unintentionally offending someone. But it does enable me to see the reality of these situations and address them quickly and calmly. Rather than ruminating over every possibility, my mind is clear and I can address the issues on the rare occasions that they arise. I will honestly explain myself, apologise if needed and learn from the interaction to improve for next time.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Q) Looking into my life has caused me a lot of distress, I have realised that I am not where I want to be, I am not living the life I want, and I am not getting the results I want.

A) I know those feelings, ignorance can seem like bliss. When I discovered that I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I struggled to reconcile the difference between what I wanted and where I was. That is why I wrote chapter 3.2 ‘Accept Reality’. It was important to accept that my life was as it was, there is simply no denying the truth, no matter how much it sucks.

The good news is that all is not lost. You can start to take action to change your situation. Remember that it will never be perfect, and that we are aiming towards an ever changing process, not a fixed point.

It is also important to know that at some stage in your life you would have realised this anyway, but at least realising it now gives you that much more time to make a change.

Q) By looking into who I am and what I desire, I realise that I don’t really like who I am. I notice that some of my actions are selfish and that I let my desires take priority over those close to me.

A) This is normal. Confronting who you are is always a challenge because you are comparing your reality to your ideal self. This will always be a losing battle.

You can now at least make some changes. I am certain that this process has already begun. Just by becoming more aware of yourself, you will be able to change yourself. This won’t happen all at once, but it will happen.

Q) Is it ever too late to live honestly?

A) No. You could start living honestly on your last day on earth, and still reap some benefit. It is the process of striving to live honestly that will give your life meaning, the destination itself is unattainable.

If you start now, you will see some immediate and continual benefits.

Resources
Extreme Ownership, Jocko Willink
Mindfulness In Plain English, Bhante Gunaratana
The Mind Illuminated, John Yates
The Happiness Trap, Russ Harris

Summary
Self-discovery combined with continual change will ensure that your life is aligned to your purpose. This will give you a deep sense of meaning.