How To Deal With Death, Disability, & Displacement

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Dealing With Injuries, Disabilities, Setbacks And Losses

“When you have a disability, knowing you are not defined by it is the sweetest feeling.”  – Anne Strike

Given enough time, life will cause us to suffer in one way or another. We will all become injured or sick at some stage, sometimes quite seriously.

Some of us will suffer significant setbacks, both personally and financially. A large percentage of the population lives with disabilities, mental illness and issues carried over from their past.

We will all lose people close to us, and have to come to terms with our own mortality. Life will not always turn out as you expect or want it to. Therefore it is vital that we establish a way to deal with our current and potential future injuries, disabilities, setbacks and losses.

Case in point: Rob Jones was a Marine Corp combat engineer, deployed to Iraq in 2008. His prime role was the detection of buried IED’s (improvised explosive devices) and weapon caches. During his second deployment in 2010, he was tasked with clearing an area with a ‘high likelihood of containing an IED’. During this mission he was wounded by a land mine, resulting in a double above the knee amputation.

Despite his terrible injuries and the long and painful recovery process, Jones wasn’t done. Rather than let his injuries and disabilities define him, he took action, completing a collection of physical accomplishments that most abled-body people would think impossible even for themselves.

“I realised that just because I was missing my legs above the knee now, doesn’t mean that my life’s mission has changed. I still wanted my life to be something I could be proud of. I wanted my life to be something that made a difference in the world”

His first accomplishment was winning bronze in the Paralympics for the trunk and arms mixed double sculls. From there he completed a solo supported bike ride across America, covering 5180 miles in 181 days – the first double above the knee amputee to do so. Still not finished, Jones recently completed a month of marathons, 31 marathons, in 31 days, in 31 different cities, using modified prosthetic legs, and his unstoppable will power.

Stories like Jones’ show us all that while tragedy may impact our lives, it does not have to define it. He had to go through a massive adjustment, suffer a great deal of pain, both physically and mentally, but with sheer force of will he prevailed to not only accept his new reality, but to make it great.

Regardless of what happens, we need to accept reality and from that place of acceptance, take action to move on and to continue with our lives.

When a tragedy strikes, there will of course be an adjustment period. Feelings of resentment, anger and denial will pervade as the individual struggles to come to terms with their new reality. However, inevitably they will need to accept the reality of their new situation. This is no easy task. Depending on the nature of the tragedy, the people involve may require therapy, support groups or other interventions.

The goal of this chapter is to highlight the need for you to take the necessary action to start the recovery and healing process. Whatever that means for you.

When I moved out of home at 15 years old, I was sure that I was strong enough to get through and not be emotionally impacted by the whole situation. I was wrong. Years later and I am still dealing with the ramifications of that choice as well as the trauma that led me to make it. I bring this up here to emphasise the point that I was suffering long before I accepted that I was suffering.

I was depressed, committed acts of self-harm as well flirted with addiction. It took an attempted suicide for me to realise that I was indeed struggling. It seems obvious now, but at the time I was blind to it. Luckily I had some people around me that had the guts to tell me that I needed help, luckier still, was that I actually listened.

Only by accepting my past was I able to begin to heal. But more importantly, I had to take the action to get help.

This same approach needs to be taken for all kinds of tragedy. Of course, losing a loved one for example is never easy, but as I mentioned in the introduction, it is a fact of life. When it happens you will be impacted emotionally and practically.

In addition to the confusion, anger, sadness and feelings of loss, you may also have to move houses, find different work, and replace the physical contributions that the person made in your life. Their absence is the new reality. There will need to be a grieving period. This will not be easy, but there are things that you can do to best help you through it. Friends and family will be there to support you.

There are support groups available, both in person and online that are filled with people willing to listen and share like experiences. Local charities and governments may have programs that can help you to stay afloat during the transition period. There are expert therapists who specialise with grief counselling, for individuals and families. You don’t need to suffer alone.

You will find the support you need, provided you reach out and ask for it.

There seems to be a trend or an attraction towards identifying ourselves with our tragedy. I did this for a long time. Although I would talk about wanting to heal and recover, I was simultaneously ‘finding myself’ in the role of a victim, and sufferer of mental illness. Growing up I didn’t really know who I was, but now I had an identity – and I didn’t want to give it up. I was getting real support, concern and attention due to my identity and I felt that if I was to recover I would once again be adrift in the world.

This attachment to an identity of victim and sufferer was not healthy, primarily because it trapped me in those roles – never fully healing or moving on. Thankfully I was able to overcome this trap, though deep soul searching and subsequent goal setting. I found something deep inside to latch onto, something to identify with and acted from there, continually challenging myself to improve and grow. This growth and goal attainment became part of my new identity.

I know how scary it can be to move on and to let go. But I had to make a choice, do I stay where I am, surviving but not thriving, or do I attempt to try and make something of my life?

It wasn’t easy, and when I did finally choose to thrive, I had to go through another wave of acceptance. I had to accept that this is where my life is now. Many aspects of it were not an ideal starting point of course, but where else could I begin? I had to acknowledge and accept where I was and then take action from there.

I want to make it clear, I am in no way saying that mental illness, or any kind of tragedy is a choice. The only choice that you may have is how you respond. Do you seek help or not?


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TAKE ACTION

Search online or in a library for people who have overcome and thrived following a similar tragedy to your own. Read about their journey, as well as the steps that they took to get there, both from a practical and psychological perspective. Consider implementing some of the approaches that they took in their life in your own.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Q) It sounds like you don’t care or are not sympathetic to people who are suffering though things that they cannot help. Do you care?

A) I do care, a lot. This care is one of the prime motivating factors for writing this book. I wanted to make a resource that will help people through the tough times of their lives. When I meet people in person, or talk to them online, I am sympathetic towards their issues. I will support them as best I can, offering advice, support or just an ear to talk to.

However, for readers of this book, my sympathy is not what will help them in the long term. Only they can. Only they can take the necessary actions to heal, recover and thrive. Only they can commit to the rehab and therapy sessions. Only they can diet, exercise, and read. Only they can take the steps that they need to take.

If you need active sympathy you won’t get it from reading a book, instead you need to find it from your friends, family members and support network. There is no possible circumstance that will make me say, “Yes your situation is so uniquely bad that you have my permission and encouragement to stop trying”.

I care about you, but the way that I am expressing that care is by strongly suggesting that you take whatever actions you need to in order to recover from your particular tragedy (provided of course that this action doesn’t harm others).

Q: I have an injury, but still want to get fitter, what can I do?

A: Train around your injuries. Do what you can with what you have got. I have a shoulder issue that makes it hard for me to lift heavy. Every time I do, I reinjure myself. I still lift however, I just lift lighter with more repetitions.

True, I won’t see the same kind of gains that I would without the injury, but I still am seeing gains. Work out what you can do given your current situation, also think about hiring a personal trainer or physiotherapist for specific advice.

Q: I don’t have any support network what so ever. How can I get the support or help I need?

A: There are many online support groups for every conceivable situation. I have found Facebook groups and particular Subreddits to be quite supportive. Seek these out and take a look, find some that suit your personality and start engaging. Also consider joining the ‘How To Get Your Sh!t Together’ group that I created for readers of this book to connect and support each other.

Depending on where you live, there will be local support groups that you could join. These are great ways to make friends, connect and share common interests and concerns. Some will be government owned and operated, some will operate through charities, others through churches and still others through individual initiatives. If you have an active interest in a particular sport or hobbies, joining a team and or clubs is also a great way of making new, supportive connections!

Resources
Reality Slap, Russ Harris
The Happiness Trap, Russ Harris
Extreme Ownership, Jocko Willink
The War Of Art, Steven Pressfield

Summary
Acknowledge and accept your new reality and take the actions necessary to heal and grow from there. Research others who have gone through a similar tragedy and consider following their approach.