Poetry
Writing to, from, and about the parts within. Sharing to normalize the healing process.
Out Now: How To Write Evocative Poetry
Want To See?
Want to see?
Want to see what it’s like to be me?
Held firm
By an internal decree
A child’s plea
Begging to be understood
Begging for should
Accepting what could be done
No fun
No sun
A fantasy discarded
Lambasted
Contrasted
Plastered by a bastard
Those memories lasted
Despite all effort
Resonating through time
A drunken crime
By human slime
Barely tame
Internal shame
Contemplating blame
Dualistic probabilities
Hostilities causing liabilities
My capabilities prohibited
My disabilities exhibited
My responsibilities limited
Limitation
Commiseration
Cessation
Mental castration
Not to win
Just to fit in
To control sin
To begin again
With the chagrin of my skin
Dulled by gin
Lulled into a stupor
A survival trouper
With one mission
Granting admission
To the child within
The beguiled one
The half mild one
The defiled one
A wild one
Seeking a gun
For some momentary fun
For you, me, and everyone
Dark thoughts
A catalyst
An internal antagonist
But don’t worry
It’s just a story
A fiction
Momentary glory
A bestowment of a moment
A direct line
From a past in decline
I’m no longer prime
No longer mine
No
Please stop
Please don’t
Don’t stop?
He won’t stop
Never did
My words as memory
My words as curse
Painful flashback
Of a smack
A shack
Of blackness I can’t track
Down that path lies an abyss
Oh, so easy to dismiss
Focus on the kiss
Focus on the bliss
Just don’t reminisce
Else it’s just psychotherapy
Spoken lethargy
Pills as energy
Wills to pay the bills
Because didn’t you know the past kills?
But I’ll last
Today’s a contrast
A sky overcast
A rainbow diet, a fast
Focus on the good
Focus on the wow
Focus on the now
Problem is,
I don’t know how
Thoughts like locusts
Focused moments
Total destruction
Mental construction
Limited production
But that’s the point right?
Act tight
Think light
Avoid the night
Focus on the might
And get functional
Make my presence stomach-able
I’ll fit in
After social conditioning
Personality change
To the acceptable range
Not to what I would have been
Not to what should have been seen
Just a benchmark to glean
A dependency to wean
Getting off, on getting off
Abstaining as control
Life’s toll
So droll
A new personality
A twisted mentality
Complete with an acceptable morality
Born of brutality
A beastly formality
A childhood totality
Obsessed reality
A focus compressed
To a past expressed
As present solidarity
To the commonality
A survivor’s modality
Truth is,
I’m not alone
There are many broken homes
Many similar pleas
Boys thinking they’re she’s
Girls dreaming of degrees
Only to freeze
Triggered by a sleaze
Just a look of displease
Is all it takes
To land us back on our knees
A war eternal
Repeated in a journal
Blaming the external
For pain internal
There is no end
A rumination of pain
A brain stain
A drain of focus
A struggle to attain
To abstain
Life’s a circle
A cycle to break
To break-free of
So, the question remains
Do you still want to know me?
Do you still want to see?
Or is this all just a fantasy?
A compassionate conspiracy
Or an unwitting enquiry
Just back out politely
That’s what I do
Dissociative mental crew
Dig deep
Mental leap
Back to the creep
Back to me feeling like sheep
Just another cheap reap
Just another statistical bleep
I weep
Hiding in sleep
Hiding in myself
With a cold disposition
To your inquisition
And sanitised a presentation
A social prohibition
A DSM condition
My worst symptom?
Oversharing admission
A granted commission
Disguised by a mission of ambition
To thrive
To survive
To stay alive
Ah,
Such lofty goals
How I can be so blithe?
Why Does It Feel
Why does it feel like I’m all alone?
Like my house isn’t my home,
Like I’m running from the unknown?
Why does it feel like it shouldn’t be this way
Like my nerves are on display,
Like I’m living as prey?
Why does it feel like my mind’s full of trash?
Like my intentions are ash,
Like I’m hoarding my father’s stash?
Why does it feel like I’m under attack?
Like my actions lack,
Like I’m waiting for a smack?
Why does it feel like it will never end?
Like my words offend,
Like I’m expected to pretend?
Why does it feel like everyone is lying?
Like my dreams are dying,
Like I’m only supported when crying?
Why does it feel like these words aren’t enough
Like my life isn’t so rough,
Like I’m creating demons from fluff?
Why does it feel like I’m a total fraud?
Like my soul just wants you to applaud,
Like I’m fundamentally flawed?
Upon Waking
what we had
together
was but a pleasant dream
real
only while asleep
yet merely
a phantasm
upon waking
your perfume
forgotten
a nightly fancy
turned nightmare
the stark morning light
now
smells grim
upon waking
The God Of Gluttony
Grimy, gross, and greasy,
The god of gluttony gesticulates gladly,
‘Eat me, enjoy me, immerse yourself in me.
For I am what you want.
For I am what you desire’.
Guilt and pleasure stand side by side,
Beckoning you to consume more.
The delicious poison tempts,
Tantalises, and teases your tastebuds.
Tactically taunting,
Telling your tummy that it's almost time.
Quickly,
You take your first bite and think,
‘Meh it’s alright’.
But then it hits you,
The cravings pull you in.
The voice of reason says,
‘No, never, no more, no way, not again!’
But you can’t stop.
It’s already too late.
It’s got you.
You're hooked,
Addicted,
Dependant,
Strung out.
Your family and friends begin to fret.
With added fervour they furiously try to force
feed you fantastically fresh fruit.
This attempt is frivolous,
The fructose filled feast fails.
You feign interest and say,
‘Fair thee well’.
For your heart, mind, and soul will now, and forever be, a consumer.
The fast food has you.
It's yours and you’re its.
An unholy matrimony,
A marriage of consumption,
And you don't want a divorce.
Till death do you part.
So, act now or forever hold your peace.
You Say
You say you love me,
But you don’t know me,
Not the full me,
Not every part of me,
Not as I really am.
You say I should open up,
That I should share,
That I should let you in,
Into my inner world,
Into my mind, my emotions, my everything.
You say you will accept me,
But that’s a lie,
You don’t know me,
Not all of me,
Not the parts you haven’t seen.
Do you know yourself well enough?
How will you react to me?
What will you do when I show you?
What will you think of my darkness?
My pain? My weaknesses? My desires?
No.
You only accept the parts you’ve seen.
Then you make assumptions,
Of yourself,
And of me.
That I’m not that bad,
That there isn’t much more,
That embarrassment holds me back,
That you can save me,
And that you would want to.
It is safer to hide,
To show a just little,
Just the parts that are acceptable,
The parts I have practiced,
The parts that work.
You don’t love me,
You just love those parts,
You just love the surface,
Your love hasn’t touched the depths,
It never will.
inner child’s plea
the body keeps the score
but the mind holds the key
if emotions are messages
why the fuck do you ignore me?
shine light on your shadow
and search your body for truth
why do you keep pretending
the blind can guide the youth?
the mirror is a liar
only one question left to ask
take a breath son
who doth lie behind the mask?
I Let It Go and Just Feel
I hear you in the lyrics of a song.
I feel you in the kiss of cold wind.
I see you in a starry night sky.
I taste you in a bite of sweet fruit.
I smell you in an ocean breeze.
I sense you deep within.
I have received all I asked of you and more.
Yet doubt continues to haunt me.
Expectations cloud your true nature.
You are not what others say.
Words cannot convey the
Intricacy of your message.
Emotion, feeling and intuition
Serve you better.
You talk in subtlety and rhyme.
Gentle guidance that’s often overlooked.
Saying not what I want to hear,
But what I need to.
I follow as best I can,
I’m sorry for my failures.
I stand at the edge of a cliff.
Please catch me,
Help me to fly.
I let it go and just feel.
Looking In
I close my eyes.
Where once there was vividness
There is now a vague blur.
Stories and visions intermingle
A kaleidoscope of confusion.
Words and non-words alike
Are spoken and responded to.
The allure of reality is lost,
Replaced by the bliss of the abyss.
The joy of not knowing
Is ever more tempting.
Closing my eyes to avoid it all,
To get to where release was once felt.
But no more.
The avalanche of memory greets me.
I cannot escape the pain inside.
I long to let it go.
To let it all go.
Reflections
The world is a mirror to your soul,
Your happiness will be shown
On the faces of strangers,
Your fear will flicker in their eyes,
Your hope will express itself
In the poetry you read, as too will your ills.
The mirror rejects what you are not,
Thus the world will always be you,
In this way you are trapped,
Rejecting love when you need it most,
And the advice you most need to hear.
Yet you are not stagnant,
And neither is the mood of the world,
What happens in one, distorts the other,
Words can scratch, and actions can crack,
So keep a watch on its surface,
And a polishing rag in hand.
Realise that the mirror is in fact imperfect,
Subject to change, manipulation and control,
Those reflections are more than phantasms,
They have a force that can break.
So watch the mirror,
Be on guard against its influence,
But also influence your guard,
For your actions may inadvertently
Shatter someone’s soul.
A Mirror
A mirror reflects differently,
Backwards, reversing your stare.
What's dark out here is light in there.
With pain on my face I look away.
Make it stop! Get rid of it, now! Today!
I peel away the face off my skin.
My mask is gone, the blackness glares, Tunneling further in.
Digging, chewing, boring its way deeper.
I fall to my knees, feeling hollow and weaker.
The bridge in my dreams,
Becomes the place I take flight.
This is where it ends,
Now, this night.
Bound and restricted, both heavy and light.
My mind and body have all but lost the fight.
Will a light come to save me?
Or forsaken will I remain,
Alone and insane?
Sorry My Boy
Sorry my boy
I’ve got something to do
And unfortunately
It doesn’t involve you
Sorry my boy
I don’t have the time to chat
I’m too busy
But you know that
Sorry my boy
I can’t play right now
There is too much on
I’ve done as much as my schedule will allow
Hey my boy
I’m finally free
Want to hang out
Just you and me?
Sorry my dad
I’ve got too much on
With my work and my mates
My time is all gone
how am i, really?
how am i really?
do you mean in general
or in the moment of response?
that brief moment
when we must somehow summarise
contrasting the darkness of the shadow
against the brilliance of the light
with just one word
i’m ‘good’
you?
tsunami
i see a tsunami approaching
and i know
if i start drowning
you will help
you will pull me out of the water
at the last moment
you will save me
but i am so terrified
of getting wet
that i am frozen in place
and thus
i can’t build the shelter
to weather the wave
or find the strength
to run
to higher ground
so i’m forced to wait
as my doom gets closer
praying that the
promised help
does indeed come
before i pre-emptively give up
because waiting
for the wave
is no way to live
and surviving it
just to see another
isn’t either
sertraline
medication?
more like calcification
the myopic solution
replacing anxiety
with apathy
losing focus
focusing
on what i have lost
my thoughts
circle the drain
both hope and fear
falling in turn
i am lost
a rudderless raft
left to drift
upon a dead calm lake
fog obscures the bank
fog obscures desire
i am far too calm
to stay safe
life and death
seem equally desirable
i drift
cold rationality
the last remaining
life preserver
the small subtle voice
whispering
that this too shall pass
the sun will shine
the wind will blow
and i will have purpose once more
Love Is
Love is a mortgage,
A debt promise of pain.
Paid with interest,
For those you outlive.
Love is making connections
Despite knowing they will be broken.
And it’s the letting go
Of the guilt for doing so.
Love is for the small sacrifices,
That contain the hidden joys.
And the memory that’s both
Blessing and curse.
Love is knowing when to push,
And when you must concede.
The realisation that you’re wrong,
And the leaving of transgressions unseen.
Love is the give and take,
The unspoken word.
The comforts freely given,
And those gratefully accepted.
Love is the discipline to say no,
Through begging, pleading and pain.
And the careful observation,
Of limits reached.
Love is tempered guidance,
A shot at eternity.
And the words of encouragement,
To try once more.
Love is a partnership,
A bonding of the muse.
A step into darkness,
Taken together in faith.