Panic Attack

You know what’s worse
Than feeling completely overwhelmed
By the mundanity of normal life?

The shame

The knowing
That I
Now must
Make plans to cope
With things most others thoughtlessly navigate

The knowing
That I
Now must
Choose between
The embarrassment of bailing
Or the embarrassment of failing

The knowing
That I
Now must
Accept
The fact that I am limited
That my desires will forever outstrip my capacity

All in order to survive
A crowd
A noise
A smell
A look
A word
A touch
A thought

Yes
Even a thought

My mind
In its infinite wisdom
Sometimes views the thoughts it itself creates
As so dangerous to its own existence
That it deems it appropriate
To shut itself down

The shame
The isolation
The confusion
The loneliness
The limitation
The fear
The inevitability
The holding back
The rumination
The depression

The shame

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This poem is from the book A Requiem For What Could Have Been: Poetry For The Broken

me at 36

i’m 36
crying and triggered
remembering when i was 8
remembering my stepfather
remembering the warnings that went unheard
remembering the pleas for help went unanswered
remembering the fear
remembering the confusion
remembering the choice to force myself to forget

remembering
crying
writing

remembering
crying
and writing more

desperately hoping that all this is somehow also healing

it’s my birthday and my family are watching me breakdown
i am stoned on weed
valium
memory
and music

tears
my ink

pain
my pen

words
my voice

… it’s time to blow out the candles and make a wish
perhaps i’ll live to wish another …

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This poem is from the book Poetry from a Dark Night of the Soul

enraged

the world is too noisy
it asks too much
it never stops moving
and it’s never got enough

---

This poem is from the book Bound To The Wings Of A Butterfly