Release Shame And Express Your Sexuality
R18 + This piece is from my sex-positivity collection.
If this is your first time I strongly recommend you click here for a content warning, and to appropriately frame this work, before reading.
Release shame and express your sexuality. Even just writing those words fills me with a sense of, well, shame.
As a counselor, I see that there is an embarrassment that comes when you begin to contemplate who you are and what you want, both in and out of the bedroom. We seem conditioned to pull away from anything more than standard, vanilla, socially acceptable expressions of the self.
There is a narrative, born of tradition, education, religion, and media, that seems to suggest it is okay to like and do and be one set of things, but not others.
Perhaps on a personal level you know of and are okay with variance. You generally accept that people enjoy what they enjoy, and as long as there’s informed, enthusiastic consent, it’s okay.
We don’t yuck another’s yum. At least not to their face. At least not directly.
But when you look to sources of influence, there is a pretty clear narrative of what, and perhaps even who, is acceptable.
The problem comes because every single person is unique. Like fingerprints, our individual expression, our desires, our wants, our needs, and our sexuality are unique, and thus in some way different from the “average” or “normal.”
Really consider what you’re into. Really consider, at the depth of your heart, what you desire.
What is popping up right now?
What happens when you express your sexuality? Can you release shame?
I guarantee every single person reading this will have something different arise and, alone in their desire, may feel shame for that desire, and thus feel restricted and unable to satisfy or reach their true internal sexual potential.
To be clear, I’m not promoting massive group or collective depravity. I’m not promoting a breakdown of societal structures into some primitive sex orgy situation (not that there isn’t spaces available for such play, if that’s what you are into!). No. I am promoting the idea of you, the individual person, fully and totally being able to embrace your own inner space without pulling away.
“Imagine if you could stare into your own sexuality without shame.”
Imagine if you could allow your mind to wander into fantasy without the tinge of awkwardness or that old sting of shame that arises almost involuntarily.
Imagine if you could engage with a partner, partners, media, erotica, or any other space in the sexual realm freely.
Wouldn’t there be an innate feeling of release here? Wouldn’t you feel better?
And from that place, wouldn’t you be able to find, express, and connect with others who are similarly free? From that place could you release shame and express your sexuality?
Porn And Sexuality
Of course, we have to address the elephant in the room: the pervasiveness and availability of pornography, and the relationship between porn and sexuality, for better and worse.
In contrast to how other aspects of society tend to warp us into feelings of shame related to desire and the expression of our sexuality, pornography often casts us into an algorithmically generated voyeur role.
We see other people living out extreme versions of fantasies, being, acting, and doing things that, while potentially possible, are in fact often pure fiction and fantasy.
And yes, I am not shaming anyone for using porn, but I am highlighting a risk that doing so may tweak and change what you deeply and truly want from your sexuality.
If every scene you watch ends with you as a stand-in character getting a certain outcome every time, you are potentially twisting reality in a way that blocks you from reaching the depths of what is possible internally. Perhaps blocking you from from releasing shame and expressing your sexuality.
There is a sublime subtlety to softness, silliness, and sensual practices that a lot of porn overlooks in exchange for hyper-stylized scenes.
Porn and sexuality is like fast food. Fun on occasion, but potentially addictive and dangerous if consumed too often.
Release Shame
It is possible to release shame. Regardless of your inputs, your use, your past, your parentage, and the political climate you exist in, you will have unexpressed desires that you are perhaps ashamed of.
Things you want, things you think, things you feel, that you feel unable to express, let alone embody. Things that, if processed, integrated, and accepted, would make you a happier, fuller person. One who is capable of making the connections necessary to truly find, connect, and express what you desire sexually.
But how?
The first step is to turn your attention toward those feelings of shame.
Rather than pulling away, rather than running, or dissociating and satisfying yourself as a form of distraction, take a moment to sit with what is arising in your mind and body.
What physical sensations are you feeling? Scan the whole body. Your heart rate, your breathing, your body in space.
What thoughts are arising? What moods, emotions, memories, desires, and impulses? What wants and needs are coming up?
Who are you thinking about? Are you remembering a person, an event, something specific?
Or is it a concept or an idea? Is what you desire even possible, given the true nature of humans and human experience?
Is what you want a product of porn? Perhaps a product of conditioning?
Maybe what you want is far more explicit than what is acceptable in your society. Or maybe the depictions you are seeing scare you, and you feel expected to perform.
Maybe you desire to fully express and embody yourself. Maybe you have been holding back. Maybe you want to be seen as a powerful, empowered adult who is aligned in the bedroom.
Or maybe it’s all too much, and you feel pressured to perform where you would just prefer to play.
There is no right answer here. But the only way through to release shame and express your sexuality is to observe and accept it. And once you have a fuller grasp of what is arising, make gradual changes in your life that will help you process that shame and move yourself closer toward the embodied expression of what you truly desire.
Express Your Sexuality
This post is an example of me doing just that. There are layers of depth in who I am and what I want, both in the bedroom and beyond. I encourage you to begin to express your sexuality.
Explore these feelings in my kink erotic poetry collections, and also in the Instagram communities that I’ve been developing (adult 18+ memes and poetry). I realize that everybody wants something unique. They want connection, but they are often blocked.
And when they read my writing (adult 18 +) they see themselves in the words, and the shame reduces.
Thus, I continue to share.
More specifically, when people realize that what they want is okay, some begin looking for communities, media, or toys and outfits to best express their newfound or growing sexuality.
A process that is often both exciting and scary, and perhaps an active shedding of shame.
For those who are curious, I encourage you to begin this exploration at shops or sites like KlinikBondage and actively check in with who you are, who you want to be, and how you want to express your sexuality. Look at what’s on offer, and sit with the feelings that arise. Lean into the excitement and the curiosity. Also get curious about any feelings of shame that arise. If you have the thought that it is too much, that it is not you, or “who would ever do, wear, or play like that,” look into those feelings.
Are they from you, your own personal deep truth? If so, trust them. But if those feelings are coming from an external perspective, if it’s the voice of society, shame, pornography, or any other external source impacting you, get curious and look deeper, because you may find that you actually do want to play that way.
Or not.
And that’s okay too.
My hope with this post is to highlight the following:
1: Everyone is different, including in their sexuality.
2: We all have baggage from our past, which impacts our present.
3: To reduce shame, we need to become aware of it.
4: Explore communities, websites, and kink with curiosity.
5: If it feels fun, move toward it. If shame arises, explore its origin.
Remember that sexuality is an ever evolving feature of you. What you want now will change, just as what you used to want may no longer apply.
Keep exploring. Keep discovering. Keep releasing shame. Express your sexuality, however it arises, of course with informed euthanasic consent!
